There are times when I feel so overburdened by thoughts (mostly stupid and idiotic) and bad feelings that I can hardly breathe; it is as if they weigh a ton and I feel so drained of energy and liveliness.
And I think : “why can’t I change it all? Why must it be so? What the hell could I do to be free?”
There are times I have a feeling that the truth is so near at hand, just reach out and grasp it goddammit! but then the mayhem in my head takes over and once again that spark is gone.
And then I go to your and Shakti’s blog seeking relief and a breather.
The other day perhaps I caught a tiny glimpse, I don’t know.
I was on my terrace walking under the sky, mumbling, brooding, bubbling and boiling with thoughts and sensations of fear, anxiety, unease, dislike for the present, terror of the future and, at the back of it all, the ever recurrent question: what can I do, what should I do about it?
Depression and unhappiness smashed me down like a worm.
And then, all of sudden, out of the blue there came a realization.
You know, many times I have read in your blog or heard at a retreat that nobody can ever do anything, in fact no one really exists and the utter and ultimate reality is Nothingness or the One out of which/whom all originates. Yeah, fine and dandy but that remained on the surface.
But this time it was different.
The understanding went a little deeper inside, and I realized that doing something to make things better is futile and pointless, because that’s how things ought to be about body/mind individuals.
The very attempt to think this or not to think that, to overcame fears or anticipate better futures and so on, is as ludicrous as to try to extinguish the sun or swim against a tidal wave.
What the heck! Let the body-mind have it his/her own way, let him/her follow his/her true nature.
And if his/her true nature is to mess it all up, well so be it.
Depression, anger, fear, inadequateness arise out of the attempt to change the unchangeable, but most of all because I thought this body/mind entity was the center of the universe, I thought this body/mind manifestation was the main character of the film but also the film maker, I thought I WAS THIS BODY/MIND INDIVIDUAL.
I really don’t know what I have accomplished here or if I have accomplished anything at all and I don’t even know if what I’m writing here makes any sense and why I’m writing it
All I know is I burst out laughing like an idiot for a good half an hour and it felt good.
Now the intoxicating feeling has gone, the euphoria vanished, the spell undone.
Something remains though.
An underground stream of awareness: the fears and desires, the anger and depression are still there, but the focus has shifted a little bit. It is as if those belonged to someone else, just a body/mind’s job.
For now, my (my?)job is to watch.
I hope it lasts.
If not, so be it.
What remains after such a realisation is more space and less me.
Yes it is so we as apparent separate beings are not significant in the play of things but the last one that will accept that is the one we call me.
Nothing that takes place within the game of me, or to be more precise, when the mind is meing is important as it is based on an illusion. Me is just a thought but what a thought !? it binds to itself every arising thought and feeling if it is able to.
When a gap appears the me is no longer in its claiming mode and what arises is seen to be new and fresh and obvious.
Life is always unfolding as it should regardless of whether it is fair or right or wrong, it is nevertheless unfolding in the only way that it can. If letting go happens in that unfolding then there is freedom and if not there is a sense of someone present and suffering continues.
There may or may not be preference arising but anyway Life is happening.
It is not easy putting words to such a realisation as you now know.
Great to hear this from you.
With much Love Avasa
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